we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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