if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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