I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
