Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
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you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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