Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Also, beer. Big fan.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
