im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
