Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
