i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
