it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Randomize
