My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
