So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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