remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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