I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
