Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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