i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
