I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
