i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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