I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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