I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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