I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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