I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
