I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
