My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
