dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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