I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
