Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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