How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
