How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
