i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
