i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
