i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
