bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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