Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
