I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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