I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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