Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
