I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
