I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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