can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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