Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
