R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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