How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
