im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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