On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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