I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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