Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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