I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
