if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
