Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I stole a fireplace last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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