Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
