Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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