i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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