If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
