Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Drake has all the answers
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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