I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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