I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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