You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he puts the penis in happiness.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
